03.26.09

Crimes Against Humanity March 26 2009

Posted in Crimes Against Humanity at 3:51 pm by Seth Scrimsher

Every Thursday our local newspaper here in the village of Petersburg publishes the police reports from the previous week. I’ll be posting my favorites each week. In this edition we have eagles dieing and children being children. Just another shocking crime ridden week in the lives of our local police force.

March 17

A caller reported someone cutting wood uphill of Frederick Point Rd. Because nothing screams high crimes quite like someone trying to heat their home.

An injured eagle was reported on Surf St. No details on the injury. Hope the little guy was Ok. I wonder if he made it past 8th and Excel.

A caller reported a group throwing bottles at a truck on N. Nordic. S.W.A.T. should take care of the little bastards.

March 18

A caller reported a vehicle sliding while turning into the post office. Huh. Snow. Ice. Winter. Alaska. Hmmm.

March 19

A caller reported a group of youths throwing snowballs at traffic on Sandy Beach Rd. Either S.W.A.T. failed or there are two groups of young hooligans terrorizing the village.

March 20

A caller reported someone throwing snowballs at their windows on Lumber St. The great 2009 snowball/bottle throwing crimewave continues unabated.

March 21

A warning was issued to a person throwing snowballs at a vehicle. Finally the police crack down on the little criminals. A little police brutality, some torture, a few days in the slammer. Those kids will never break the law again. Wait. What? A warning! Terror reigns over Petersburg for days and a warning was issued!

March 22

A deceased eagle was reported on 8th and Excel. Well that answers that.

Three intoxicated youths were reportedly screaming at passing vehicles. The kinder, gentler harassment of passing vehicles. Huh. Still plenty of snow around. Maybe the stern warning worked after all.

March 23

Charges of DUI, refusal to submit to a breath test, and violating the conditions of release were dropped against S.H. due to his death. Oh Petersburg court system. So quick to forgive. So quick to suspend judgement. To offer one more chance. You’re an inspiration in kindness and charity.

03.18.09

Spring Cleaning Sale at Tonka!

Posted in Talking Fish at 5:17 pm by Seth Scrimsher

In honor of this wonderful sight outside my window today I’ve decided to force spring to come to Petersburg by having a Spring Cleaning Sale at Tonka! Use the coupon code SPRING30 when you check out to receive 30% off your entire order now until the end of April. Got to love smoked salmon on a bright sunshiny spring day!

03.04.09

Rush “Hillbilly Heroin” Limbaugh

Posted in Not Fish at 12:47 pm by Seth Scrimsher

Sure this is supposed to be a blog about fishing in Alaska but this nugget of pure wisdom is so genius that I am doing my part to spread it around the intertubes.

On March 3rd 2009:

Late this afternoon, in keeping with apologies to Rush Limbaugh from Georgia Republican Phil Gingrey and RNC Chairman Michael Steele, Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) issued the following statement:

“I’m sorry Limbaugh called for harsh sentences for drug addicts while he was a drug addict. I’m also sorry that he’s bent on seeing America fail. And I’m sorry that Limbaugh is one sorry excuse for a human being.”

The Congressman then rejoined his Democratic colleagues in working on cleaning up George W. Bush’s mess.

Reading that statement from Rep. Alan Grayson felt like a ray of pure light was flooding my brain. It was quickly followed by regret that he isn’t the Rep. for Alaska. We could use somebody with that amount of old style gumption around these parts.

You can make your own apology to Rush “that’s my doctors name on that bottle of Viagra I’m bringing back from the Dominican Republic” Limbaugh by going to this handy website:

http://www.dccc.org/content/sorry