04.17.09
Crimes Against Humanity April 16 2009 Edition
In this weeks installment of Crimes Against Humanity we have smoking, keys, smoking, dead animals, smoking and brothers showing their love!
April 7
A person reported hitting a deer on Sandy Beach Rd. Why they even keep reporting this I’ll never understand. It’s a weekly occurrence in the village.
Three juveniles were reported smoking near the harbor shack. That brings back memories of being a dumb high school kid and thinking smoking cigarettes would impress Kirsten J.
April 8
A caller reported damage done to their vehicle and possible tank contamination. That brings back memories of being a dumb high school kid and thinking sugar in a gas tank would make Kirsten J’s boyfriend’s car seize up.
A person reported a key stuck in their lock. And the police are going to magic it out for them? What?
A parking citation was issued to a vehicle parked in a handicap space. I’ve always wanted to see someone get a ticket for this. The plight of the handicapped in America is horrific. I can’t imagine what they have to go through each and every day. To see someone taking advantage of them by doing such a despicable thing really gets my… ok… ok… really I’m just jealous that some smarmy bastard got to park closer to the front door by being willing to thumb their nose at the law.
But seriously, stealing a parking spot from the handicapped in Petersburg. I can see this happening in a big city where parking can be a freaking nightmare. You could park at one end of “downtown” Petersburg, walk to the other end of “downtown” and it would take you less time then walking out of most parking garages in Seattle.
An eagle with an injured leg was reported at S Nordic and Marion. How come no one ever calls in to report an injured Pigeon or Seagull.
April 9
A caller reported two juveniles with a bat, bow, and arrow at Hammer Slough. That brings back memories of being a dumb high school kid and thinking Kirsten J. would go out with me if her boyfriend was in the hospital. I blame video games.
A juvenile was reported smoking on N. Nordic. The people of the village sure have an eye for the high crime of juvenile smoking. They are not going to let the little bastards get away with it. Do police even have a call sign for that? “Calling car number 2, we’ve got a possible 11-382 in progress. Use the lights he’s a fast inhaler.”
April 11
A caller reported an individual very upset and yelling loudly at the crane dock. A 911 call later reported two males fighting. Anthony and Franklin Poulsen were both arrested on domestic violence assault charges. The infamous Poulson feud spilled on to the crane dock. Infamous as of today. I’ve had some great fights with my brother but the cops were never involved. A good hard wedgie usually decided the winner. Which I’ll take over a night in jail any day.
April 12
A caller reported a person kicking in their door and assaulting them. No word on if a Poulson family member was involved.
A person reported that someone had shoveled ice chunks into the road. Yes someone in the village considered that enough of a crime to justify calling the police.
April 13
Juveniles were reported smoking on Harbor Way. The little guys keep trying to find a new hiding spot but the local neighborhood watch won’t let them smoke in peace. You could safely walk the streets of downtown Los Angeles naked, with a fist full of hundred dollar bills, in the middle of the night, if the Guardian Angels showed half as much dedication towards fighting crime. We could end world hunger. Save the whales. Balance the budget. Stabilize Iraq.
A suspicious individual was reported on N. Nordic. Suspiciously getting ready to smoke most likely.
A person reported a bunch of kids riding scooters on 8th St. Here at the village we don’t limit ourselves to just making skateboarding a crime.
A person reported a vehicle that went through the traffic light while an emergency vehicle was parking. Yes you did read that correctly “went through THE traffic light”. The village does only have the one. Which only turns on when the big red fire truck wants to get in or out of the garage. Can you really blame the guy for running the light. It’s probably been a childhood dream of his. Now he can compare crazy traffic stories with the big city folk.